Pushing violence out of your life

(WTNH) - Certified life coach and domestic violence survivor Teagin Maddox says instead of waiting for red flags to warn women to get out of an abusive relationship, they should take a look at themselves and see if they are making excuses for abusive behavior.

The following information has been provided by our guest:

Many women are stuck in draining relationships - the majority of divorces are filed by women. We live with partners who are bad for us and we stay too long with mean men, hoping to make it work because they don't fit the typical criteria for domestic violence, and most of the time they are "pretty good." I encourage women, instead, to realize that they don't have to wait for a physical attack to know they are with a destructive or abusive guy. We need to start recognizing that Chaotic Love is bad love.

Chaotic love can lead to abuse, but it may not. However, you will still be in a destructive relationship that will drain you - that is a signal to get out. We simply must start getting out sooner and you can do that by recognizing a positive thing about negative relationships: they make you uncomfortable, and discomfort is there to force change.

When you learn to see the discomfort in a relationship as chaos-building, you can also see the discomfort as a message to change your partner!

Chaotic love is messaged love - it is telling you that you belong somewhere else. Recognize that, and you can see that the only good part of your bad relationship is that you are on the verge of a transformation - you just need to allow yourself to accept the idea that you can have the life and the relationship you really want.

When you learn to draw the line for what you accept for yourself in big, bold and obvious ways, you force yourself to leave chaos, to go get what you want for yourself, and you teach others how to treat you.

To begin your transformation from Chaotic Love:

1) Stop looking at what's wrong with him and start looking at what's right with you.

Instead of talking about him and what he does or doesn't do, shift your perspective onto yourself. Try to catch yourself waving a green flag: in other words, when he does something you disapprove of or that is hurtful, what do YOU do or say that signals to him that you will tolerate or still accept him or a simple apology for it? This can create a huge transformation. You shift from trying to interpret what he does, to anticipating how he is going to interpret you instead. It is a fun and empowering shift. Think about what he sees in you when you accept his reasoning or apologize too easily, become a softy, or tolerate a certain behavior from him - what does it tell him about you?

2) Learn how your qualities can make you a target for Chaotic Love and keep you trapped in relationships that are draining.

Women who get stuck with destructive guys are usually:

• Highly Tolerant
• Overly Empathetic
• They want to buffer others from feeling pain
• They have a high pain threshold

What happens is, her perspective, interaction, and belief in him or his ability to change, or to sustain change, is filtered through her INTERPRETATION of him, his behaviors, his sorrow, his regret, his apology, or his promises. The interpretations get her sucked back in and stuck waiting, and this ends up dictating the outcome. Until she sees how she is interpreting him or their relationship, she will continually keep setting herself up for a letdown and/or for more abuse.

You can avoid this by:

Becoming aware of your self-talk.

Constantly ask yourself, "Could I be reasoning away his behavior right now? You have to focus on yourself to catch yourself doing it.

Notice your thinking and alter your interpretations of him. Do not allow yourself to put a spin on his actions, behaviors, or words. You can remember this if you remember to STOP JADE-ing :Justifying, Arguing, Defending, or Explaining about what he does to yourself and/or your friends/family. Let what he does simply be how you learn who he is at his core: observe it, label it, and distance yourself from anything that doesn't sit well with you without JADE-ing your reasoning to him.

Focus on something new.

Preferably, focus on something that creates freedom, independence, and empowerment in the long-run: what would that be for you? A great example here would be to focus on money! Learn all about it, from how to budget to how to invest.

Teagin Maddox's website

Upcoming Workshop: The Art of Transformation